Here Again - Phan
by TheAussieWriter
Summary: "I hate everything about myself" He said truthfully into the camera. "Ask any of my friends" That was ages ago. But Dan Howell might have to live through it again. He would have to hide it from Phil. Just as he always had. (Trigger Warning; Depression, Self-Harm. Please take care while reading)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"Hey Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to do a Q&A?"

"Okay" 

I grabbed my coffee and walked into Phil's room, stubbing my toe on the door-frame and almost spilling it everywhere. Phil just happened to be testing the lens as I fell and caught the whole thing on tape. He started laughing. I crossed my arms and pouted.

"It's not funny- Please don't put this in your video!"

"How could I not put it in? This will be awesome in slow motion!"

"Oh god, just help me here"

He grabbed my coffee and pulled me up.

We began to record the video.

"Hey guys! I'm here today doing a Q&A with-"

"Dan!" I said as I popped up into the camera view.

Then I realised what it looked like we were doing.

"Holy crap, it's the Tyler incident all over again…" I mumbled.

"What do you mean the Ty- Oh." Phil collapsed on his bed, laughing his ass off.

"Anyways, I will-" I started, going onto Twitter on my phone.

"Doing a Q&A with danisnotonfire, give us some questions!" he read aloud while he typed. He gave me a cheeky grin as the Tweets started rolling in.

"From 1Dfan20023, if you could, would you actually have a pet lion?" I read to Phil.  
"Yeah, of course!"

"Phil, those things will not hesitate to eat you."

"I can make it eat you…"

"Oh," I looked at the camera and sarcastically said "Oh, so that's what our friendship means to you?"

"Anyways, Dan, your question is-" His voice slowly drops as he talks. "Why are you such a swear word"

I inwardly wince at the word he actually meant.

 _Faggot_

Why is this getting to me now? I deal with this all the time!

Smart answer, smart answer!

"Well, you see, that's what the shippers want, but, I'm not."

I feel Phil's awkward stare, but continue the video.

"Would you rather Dan with chicken-nugget fingers or cat legs?" I read aloud, letting a smirk appear on my face. I looked over at Phil and he seemed to be contemplating something.  
"Nugget fingers."

"Why?"

"So I can eat them…" He mumbles.

There is an awkward pause.

"Let's move on before this video gets flagged"

"Okay…" He says. He seems to be searching through.

Why? I saw heaps of Tweets for us earlier. Where most of them for Phil or..? I look over his shoulder to try to see what he's up too. He leans further and further away. He seems to be getting desperate.

I snatch my phone from beside me and go to Twitter. I see them all.

"Dan, don't-"

"Why are you such cancer to YouTube?"  
"Hey, what's your number, my guy friend is looking for a bf"

"Who did Phil choose over you last night ;)"

"My sister put lots of dark makeup on and straitened her hair for Halloween, she looked like you!"

"FAG!"

"Damnit, why did you meet Phil, If you hadn't, you would have gotten so depressed you would've killed yourself!"

"I saw a dude hanging from a rope yesterday and thought it was you!"

I bite my lip and slam my phone down onto the bed. I walk out of Phils room, into the hallway, and out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

I glance at the still running camera. Would I still upload this?

What are you talking about Phil, Not after what happened. I look at my phone and saw Dan and I's fans fight with the douchebags that said all that stuff. I do get negative comments, Dan gets a bit more than me, but never so sick and twisted as these. And never for a Q&A. I hear the front door slam shut in Dan's anger. Should I go after him?

This has never happened before.

I see that Dan didn't take his coat, so I grab it along with mine. It's freaking freezing outside. My breath makes little clouds in the air as I walk through the people. I already know where he is. When he has a existential crisis (in his words) he goes to the pizza shop and ponders the meaning of life. I call it eating away your feelings.

I can see him through the window. He's hugging himself with one arm while eating his pizza. I have no idea how he got here so fast. Teleportation? A crowd of teenage girls carrying him?

You have a truly weird mind, Philip.

I walk behind him and put his llama hat on his head. "You left your llama hat at home. Just like you to do that"

"Thanks" He replies sadly, giving me a smile.

We sat there, him eating his pizza and me watching him carefully. Just browsing YouTube I had found his older videos. He had always said weird things in them. Things like "Yeah, let's just say I hate my face". It made me physically shrink down in my seat. He hadn't said anything about it to me. Even if it's a little over-exaggerated in his videos, or if he treats it like a joke, I always worry that he will one day go into his room and never come out.

Eventually, Dan finished his pizza. "Well, we'd better get going" I said, watching as Dan stood up from his seat and took his coat from my hands.

We were waiting to cross the street when Dan let out a small chuckle. "I don't know why I let it get to me, I mean, the Tweets"

"They were pretty, uh, shitty I guess"

"You're an idiot, Phil. You don't need to swear just because I'm here."

"No, what they said was bullshit. You don't need to listen to what they say"

"Woah, woah, You're taking this 'best friend' thing to a new level, aren't you?"

"Maybe. We're lucky everyone stuck up for you"  
"What?" Dan looked confused.

"Look, here" I showed him the smart comebacks both sides were coming up with. He even laughed at some of them.

We arrived home. I looked at the time. Dan, who had disappeared to the bathroom, was probably filled from his pizza. I make some noodles. I still couldn't help thinking about today.

We both went to bed early. I still heard Dan pacing around his room, but I decided not to care. He's a man, he can handle his own problems.

Then why does everyone call me his hero?

Just because I'm older?  
Phil, just because you're older doesn't mean you're his saviour.  
I hear Dan pace around in his room. I quietly jump out of bed and press my ear to the wall. It's not like I've never done this before, I mean, I have lived with him for around 5 years.

Sometimes I need to know if he is planning revenge for my habit of eating his cereal.

Most of his murmuring was inaudible, apart from a few swear words. A loud thump seems to happen right next to the thin wall in his room.

"Phil, get in here!" he yells, knocking right next to my head.

I open the door to his room and I see Dan lying in between the bed and his wall. He scowls at me when I laugh at him. I grab his hand and pull him up.

"How the heck did you get down there?"

"I have no idea"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good"

I stay for a few more awkward seconds before walking out.

He is the worst at lying.  
Like I said, I have lived with him for a while.

What is he hiding from me? Should I care?

I care too much.

He can look after himself.

 **HOLY SHIT IM SORRY IT WAS A FILLER ON LIKE THE SECOND CHAPTER. IM NOT FEELING INSPIRED AT THE MOMENT. AND ALSO DISTRACTED BY THIS BEAUTY: . I MEAN HOLY FUCK HE'S HOT. HOBBIT HAIR HOWELL FOR THE WIN.**

 **I'm so sorry.**

 **Bye**


	3. Chapter 3

_I had been starring at the spot behind my bed all night. That was where I hid it. Where I hid the blade. I tried getting it earlier, but I fell over. I wasn't going to do it. I promise. I just needed to know it was still there. I am so lucky Phil didn't see it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the reflection off my fairy lights. I wish I could tell Phil. I wish I could tell him how I felt in 2012. How I felt like killing myself. To let him continue with his life without people pushing us together. Even though I don't mind. It makes me mad that he doesn't like being shipped with me._

 _What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? He hears me pace in my room every night. He thinks that's just me. I'm the existential crisis guy. The one that lies on the floor waiting for time to pass. Pondering the universe. I hate that its true._

 _I hate literally everything about myself._

I woke up.

I could feel the tears running from my face.

 _I never had a friend for the first 18 years of my life._

I rummaged through my covers and found my phone.

It was 6. I went to sleep an hour ago.  
What am I doing awake?

My laptop's screen was still glowing. I grabbed it and went to my last video.

'Why the f do people watch this shit?'

'somebody call the faggot police'

'holy shit he isnt aren't as good as he used to be'

'who is this maggot? He disgusts me.'

'haha, all the fangirls are defending these comments'

'he's too emo to reply to these. And if he does, he's just gay.'

'you hung out with phil? Oh god, hope you didnt catch the faggot off him. its spreading like ebola'

The shit comments stand out more than the nice. I thought being transparent would be horrible. But all I wanted at that moment was to die. A notification popped up.

'danissuchafaggot tagged you in their video 'the prick strikes again'

'phanisgobyebye tagged you in their video 'AmazingPhil using danisnotonfire for money?'

I was hesitant. Should I watch them? Surely if I can watch the Phan videos supporting us, I can stand the ones that kill me on the inside?

No.

I won't.

Instead, I go to Twitter and quickly type up

'YouNow at 9:00pm, BE THERE OR BE A CARROT... I was bored. Leave me alone.'

Can people see through my happy words? I try hard to keep them from seeing how much I have been crying in the YouNows. There are always a few smart Danosaurs that see the red under my eyes and the glint that I can't change. I try to smile. I really try. Phil has always said that he thought I should smile more often. Like, REALLY smile.

Its been so long.

I climb out of bed and cringe at my curly hair. The hallway was dark. I walked to the kitchen and reached up to the top of the cupboard where the maltesers where. I always hid them up there in case Phil got tired of my cereal and went to eat my bae.

I'm talking about the maltesers, not Phil.

You twat.

I felt around, but I couldn't find the bag.

Where are my maltesers?

There's only one place they could be.

I walk down the hall and past my room. I open Phil's door a little and spot my maltesers next to his bed. It looks like he fell asleep reading, since his lamp is still on and a book is laying next to him.

Was he eating my maltesers?

He was eating my maltesers!

Not wanting to miss this opportunity, I take a photo with my phone and post it on all the social media websites I have.

And I started a video.

"Hello Internet, I have to be quiet because I'm in Phil's room while he's asleep. I promise its for a good cause! I'm totally not some pedo or anything-" I whisper. "But look what I found!"

I directed my phone to the maltesers which I would zoom in on and add dramatic sound to in editing.

"He was eating my soul mate!"

I snatch the chocolate and turn off the light. I don't want to have his hair light on fire or anything. Not like that dude from 5 Seconds of Summer.

And then I realised how much happier I was.

5 minutes ago, I was considering...

It was the maltesers for sure.

I uploaded the video after closing Phil's door and going back to my room.

 **dfghjkldfghjkldfghjk; watch?v=56vTRBKK9PU\**

 **Just watch it. Now. Or I will never progress the story.**

 **Ever.**


	4. Chapter 4

"Shit!'

I wake up to Dan swearing and a loud shatter from him dropping a mug on the floor. I grab my glasses and rub my eyes before realising how tired I was. I spent half the night reading after I woke up and couldn't sleep.

Yep, My body pulled a Dan.

I stood up and grabbed my book that I had sent flying across the room in my hasty awakening.  
My phone beeped.

'ebonyflounder tagged you in a video "PHIL ATE MY MALTESERS" '

'amazingdanphilisamazing tagged you in a video "PHIL ATE MY MALTESERS" '

'pugface42145 tagged you in a video "PHIL ATE MY MALTESERS" '

They kept on coming.

A small smile crept to my face when I clicked on the icon.

"Hello internet! I have to be quiet because I'm in-"

"Phil, I may or may not have dropped boiling water all over my feet and smashed my mug in the process"

I shake my head and stand up.

"Also I may be in intense pain from the boiling water"

I walk down the hallway, laughing.

"Now Phil! I need help now! Run for fuck's sake!"

I run into the kitchen to find boiling water all over the floor and Dan sitting in pain with a wet cloth on his feet.

"You are such an idiot" I say, shaking my head. He looks up and I see dark circles under his eyes. He is about to cry from the pain.

"I am, aren't I?"

I shake my head again and grab the broom. I begin to sweep up the broken shards of glass and the water. Dan hisses in pain when he takes off the cloth.

"What are you doing? Don't take it off!" I hurriedly shout at the sight of the burn.

"Put ice on them!" He yells, obviously in agony.

"Don't put ice on them!" I shout back.

"Why the fuck not?" He cries, tears spilling down his face. "Its like you want me to stay in pain!"

"That's what I'm trying to avoid! Ice only makes it worse! Go to the bathroom and put them under cold water." I say, wincing at the dark shade of pink the burns were.

He uses the walls to put less pressure on his feet on the way down the hall.

Well that was eventful.

I throw the shards in the bin and begin to go to Dan.

"Dan? Are you okay? Can I come in?" I ask after knocking on the bathroom door.

"No"

"Aww, C'mon!"

"You r-really don't care about me, Don't you!"

"Dan, You know that's not true"

"How c-come the first thing you w-worried about was the mess, when I was f-fucking crying next to you? How come when I am o-obviously in pain, you just yell at me? Why do you hate anyone that s-ships you with me?"

"I'm coming in!"

"No, Do-"

I walk in to find blood pouring from a single cut on Dan's arm as he sits on the floor.  
"Go away!" He screams.

"Dan? Whats-"

He jumps up and slams the door closed.

"Go away!"

"W-what are you doing?"

Did he..?

"A piece of the glass stabbed me, okay? Have some faith in me!"

There is silence.

"I'm hopeless. Sorry"

"Leave, Phil"

And so I did.

 **Is Dan lying?**

 **NOBODY KNOWS!**

 **(Well, maybe I do)**

 **Yeah I cried at my own phanfic.**

 **The only reason this is moving really slowly, is because I hate phanfics where their all like "lols I hate you, So im gonna kiss ya to please the phangirls"**

 **I feel that this needs to take its time.**

 **I also have so many ideas I need to implement into this phanific.**

 **Yep.**

 **Bye, dont do drugs and yeah have fun crafting**


End file.
